thepunkrocker:

thescentofsouls:

I’ll respect your opinion as long as your opinion doesn’t disrespect my existence.

THIS PHRASE SHOULD BE WRITTEN EVERYWHERE AROUND THE WORLD 

(via thevanishingtwin)

speckledhound:

love me those canonically queer zombie boys with accurately depicted mental illnesses

(via thealogie)

Tags: in the flesh

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

(Source: bellecs, via people-are-fond)

cteranodon said: Okay, so I'm /actually/ about to write a porn fic to AO3, and I'm interested in knowing what the difference is between the M rating and E rating. Able to enlighten me?

people-are-fond:

tinsnip:

Mature is ‘and then they made love.’ Explicit is ‘and here’s how they did it exactly.’

To wit: mature.

He looked at the envelope, spread out before him.

God, he’d never been this hungry.

Could he be gentle enough? Slow enough? He didn’t want to damage it, didn’t want to do anything he’d regret… but no, no, it seemed the envelope wanted this as much as he did. It slipped into his hands, it folded as he asked. When it was time for more, the card was waiting, and he somehow knew exactly what to do. He moved with his correspondence in a dance as old as the mail system, and when it was over, he was smiling and the envelope was completely, thoroughly sealed.

Explicit:

The envelope waved its flap in the air slowly, gently, and he could see the faint shimmer of the adhesive traced along its fold. It was like a taunt, a dare: won’t you? And he would, oh, God, he would, lifting the envelope firmly to his lips, licking slowly at first, then faster, more firmly, tasting the envelope’s essence, the faint bitterness, the sweetness to follow—

Oh, he couldn’t help but smile at how it felt in his hands. It was so perfectly folded. Its paper was rough against his fingers, and its crossed folds shifted slightly as it opened for his eager tongue. Yes, yes…

Now the card, and his hand trembled as he lifted it, as he held the envelope, stretching it wide. Would it fit? Oh… oh, yes, it would fit, it slid in smooth and quick and filled the envelope to bursting, oh, made for each other, and he smiled in delight at how perfect it was.

He was ready. Now, now, now: with one swift movement he folded the flap over and he pressed, yes, he pressed the flap down and it stuck, God, it stuck perfectly, and he closed his eyes in bliss.

Afterwards, he stroked the envelope, and thought about addresses.

Oh my god now I want to have sex with my mail.

Tags: hahahahaha

leupagus:

agonyandagony:

today i was feeling PISSY AS ALL HELL after work because blah blah everything’s a nightmare blah blah. so i was like, what’s something that real people do after a trying day that’s not just “refresh tumblr until something is either delightful or infuriating enough to elicit an emotional response”? like, idk go for a walk? somewhere nice?

i mean, i have no idea, but i decided to try it out and go to a nature center and have myself a nice lil:

image

★★★★☆

NATURE: FOUR OUT OF FIVE STARS

Cons:

  • shitty wi-fi
  • too many mosquitos, like, an unnecessary amount of mosquitos
  • can’t stop walking because of the mosquitos because it just gives them a stable surface to land on
  • sweating on your buttcheeks because you’re very out of shape but can’t stop walking because of the mosquitos
  • when you go into nature, sometimes you feel like, am i doing it right? do i just, like… walk? am i appreciating it right? am i snapchatting it too much? am i not snapchatting it ENOUGH?
  • weird sense of deja vu because you just remembered this is the nature center you went to day camp at when you were 8, and there used to be a buffalo and a bald eagle there, but they got sick and died, and you tried to kiss a boy in one of the pavilions by the graveyard, except he pushed you away, and now you can’t even find that particular pavilion to go visit, which doesn’t even matter except suddenly it feels very insulting (BUT THAT MIGHT BE SITUATION SPECIFIC)

Pros:

  • not your house or your couch
  • sounds in it are nice if initially unsettling
  • feels like you’re doing something because, weirdly enough, you are
  • while you’re trotting along and sweating and swatting at bugs and staving off existential despair and reminiscing about past rejections and also starting to compose this shitty post in your head, which at that point only amounted to “SHITTY WIFI, TOO MANY BUGS,” you look up and all of a sudden:
  • image
  • this deer is like three feet away looking at you, like, DEADASS in the eyes, very knowingly
  • the deer doesn’t give a shit that you’re there
  • you hang out and make weird eye contact with the deer for a while, even though the mosquitos are biting, because like, this feels like a MOMENT
  • then the deer wanders away
  • and you realize your shitty glib “nature sux” post isn’t gonna cut it because actually it’s pretty cool and weirdly you do feel a lot better
  • plus then you get to instagram the deer

the end.

Can I review a review because this gets six out of five stars

(via people-are-fond)

Tags: amaze

ivyblossom:

A Brief Look at Texting and the Internet in Film. With appropriate props to Sherlock for a clean and elegant solution.

ivyblossom:

Vogue’s 73 Questions with Daniel Radcliffe

It’s functionally impossible not to love Daniel Radcliffe. You can try, but you’ll fail.

(Source: ixue)

This isn’t freedom. This is fear.

(Source: jenniferlawrenceshrader, via thorodinbro)

Tags: capsicle 2